Marvel Comics For July

The following is a parody suggested by hdefined. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it.

Just the Ultimate and Civil War sections; I don't have any time for the whole thing this month. :(


ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #97
Written by Brian Michael Bendis, pencils and cover by Mark Bagley.

(Publisher's note: this solicit was written by Brian Bendis)

"The Clone Saga," part 1 of 6. So... there's this guy, okay? This guy. Yes. There's this guy. Who... yes. That's what I'm telling you. This guy. He's a Scorpion. Scorpio? No. Scorpion. With a stinger. You've never heard of a Scorpion? Never? A Scorpion? Oy. Anyway, the clues have been laid over the past 96 issues (literally, they were laid over - read it again knowing what you know about Joan of Arc). It all comes together here, as we begin the most shocking, most mind-blowing Spider-Man story ever published! Even more shocking than when Spidey did that thing that time! That thing! You know... the thing? With the thinging in his thing? (dramatic pause) TALKING ABOUT A LAST PAGE IN PUBLIC!


ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR #32
Written by Mark Millar, pencils and cover by Greg Land.

(Publisher's note: this solicit was written by Mark Millar)

"Frightful," part 3 of 3. The Millar/Land run comes to a tastebud-eradicating conclusion as the Ultimate F.F. (not to be confused with the Ultimate F.U., otherwise known as Warren Ellis) are locked in a battle to the death with their zombie counterparts from an alternate Earth! In this issue... a Fantastic Four dies! Also: someone gets raped! Tying into events from Eisner-winning limited series Marvel Zombies, this is the explosive climax that's enough to make Georges Romero, Lucas, Washington, Eliot and Jetson lose their lunch!


ULTIMATE X-MEN #72
Written by Robert Kirkman, pencils and cover by Tom Raney.

"House of Magic," part 1 of 3. It was the worst day in Ultimate X-Men history. He was a media darling, a vital part of the X-Men dynamic and the newest member of the team. His name was -- Marty Stu, The Magician! Watch him live up to his name in ways you could never conceive. There is more -- much, much more about this new mutant than any suspect, and with three words ("Bring back Vaughan!") he'll change everything forever. Plus -- the fallout from the Shi'ar's test on Jean Grey has drastically unanticipated consequences involving zombies.

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CIVIL WAR TITLES

CIVIL WAR #3
Written by Mark Millar, pencils and cover by Steve McNiven, variant cover by Michael Turner.

The battle lines are drawn as the conflict between the Superhero Practice of Investigation and Neutralization (SPIN) and the Benevolent Alliance of Resistance Fighters (BARF) explodes as the future of the Marvel Universe is decided for the next six months! Witness critics and retailers torn apart as the Civil War touches them in bad places, and the momentous events of last issue changes the world as our readers understand it!


CIVIL WAR: FRONT LINE #3 & 4
Written by Paul Jenkins, penciled by Ramon Bachs and Steve Lieber, cover by John Watson.

"The Accused" - Despised by a nation, the lone survivor of the New Warriors' reality TV series is behind bars. Without family, without a friend in the world and without a reason to go on, will this hero make a deal, or take a stand and not sign up for "The Surreal Life"?

"Correspondence" - Juxtaposing stories of war throughout time with the Marvel Civil War, "Correspondence" adapts tales from World War I and more! See? It matters! It really does! We're not kidding this time! This is big! WORLD WAR I!!!


CIVIL WAR: X-MEN #1
Written by David Hine, penciled by Yanick Paquette, cover by Juan Doe.

As the Marvel Universe is ripped apart by the Civil War, the X-Men also find themselves crumbling from the inside out. Except for Brubaker's team. And Carey's. And Whedon's. And the Kyle/Yost cast. Mostly it's Bishop and Angel. Will they fold up and admit defeat, or will they finally prove why they belong in an ongoing series? Find out here!


CIVIL WAR: YOUNG AVENGERS & RUNAWAYS #1
Written by Zeb Wells, penciled by Stefano Caselli, cover by Jim Cheung.

As the public turns against Allan Heinberg's schedule, the gears of Civil War threaten to crush Brian K. Vaughan's "Runaways" by sucking away their sales. Don't miss this Civil War tie-in that promises to have lasting repercussions for both popular teams, but really won't!


CIVIL WAR #1 (DIRECTOR'S CUT)
Written by Mark Millar, penciled and cover by Steve McNiven.

Go behind the lines of the Marvel Comics event starring Spider-Man, the New Avengers, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men and the entirety of the Marvel pantheon (except for Speedball, Joe doesn't like him). This bonus edition reprints Civil War #1 ­ plus script, sketches, deleted scenes and more! It's everything the actual comic should have been, for only five dollars!


DAILY BUGLE: CIVIL WAR SPECIAL EDITION
Written by Peter David, J. Michael Straczynski and various, art and cover by Mike Mayhew.

The sides have been chosen and the Civil War has begun! (Actually, it began two months ago but nobody noticed.) As heroes battle heroes, putting their lives on the line to fight for Joe Quesada's amusement, there's only one source to keep you informed on the happenings of the biggest Marvel event of the year: the Daily Bugle! This is the very newspaper the citizens of the Marvel Universe read to keep informed! (Which explains a lot about the intellect of the common Marvel Universe citizen.) With a very special editorial by J. Jonah Jameson entitled "SPIDER-MAN'S GAY LOVE AFFAIR CAUSED THIS WAR!", this is the place to go to for Civil War secrets you won't see anywhere else (unless you have Google)!


AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #534
Written by J. Michael Straczynski, pencils and cover by Ron Garney.

"The War at Home," part 3 of 6. Life couldn't be more complicated -- or more dangerous -- for Peter Parker. You thought eating heads was bad? You thought the Suit of a Thousand Gimmicks was a low point? You thought the vaguest idea of Gwen Stacy fucking Norman Osborn should have pushed him to suicide? Forget it! It's time for more whiny angst! Because the Drama Fairy demanded it!


BLACK PANTHER #18
Written by Reginald Hudlin, pencils by Scot Eaton, wraparoundcover by Frank Cho, variant cover by Michael Turner.

It's the Wedding of the Millennium as T'Challa and Storm finally make it to the altar. Can this gathering offer much-needed respite from the Civil War, or will it too be engulfed by the insanity currently stomping on the Marvel Universe? Hey, it's in the "Civil War" section, you need be to spell it out? Don't miss this historic event, because no one will remember it next month!


NEW AVENGERS #22
Written by Brian Michael Bendis, pencils and cover by Leinil Francis Yu.

Brian Bendis teams up with Leinil Yu to tell the story that no one thought would ever be told after "Avengers Disassembled": New Avengers Disassembled!


WOLVERINE #44
Written by Marc Guggenheim, with art by Humberto Ramos.

Everything you think you know is wrong. So if you're thinking of buying this book, at least you know where you stand.